alphaadog

Christmas Eve - I'll give it to someone special

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 04:40:51 GMT

If only I could reiterate the past few months to you in cut, flavored sentences that were so tasteful and delicious, you read in order to nourish your curiosity of someone else's tailored life.

It's Christmas time you see, and only half of humanity knows that this implies delicate amounts of anxiety among middle aged crisis victims and fake teenage angst parties. Fortunately enough, I can report back that I am no longer a member of these pity gatherings. I'm only participating for the snowy days that fall ahead.

I'm huddling over a never ending puddle of warm, thick soup while my thoughts are ushered by this past year. I have traveled to days that were never imagined. Overcoming obstacles of syrup like difficulty, I have triumphed. Sifting through career-less jobs, plotting futility to avoid things such as heartbreak, brainstorming justifications for education. I am a worn and tired soul. I just need a cup of jasmine tea.

December 7th - Wendy's was never classy.
December 13th - Collin is a good name to fall in love with. A great face.
December 22nd - Every Avenue, twice in one month, downfall to the past.
December 23rd - Wisdom teeth are not so wise.
December 24th - Where I sit on Christmas Eve. Right here in this chair.

Oh white winters, mollify me. You have wafted love into my life once more, a redolent scent. Familiar and scarce. Plunder and pillage the ways I have once known, take away the somber nights and replace them with the unblinking sun. Get me acquainted with the moans of the heart.

Merry Christmas everyone, we have a plush day awaiting!

It all looks so pretty.

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 12:21:44 GMT

This life is perpetual.
I am interspersed throughout it, with sudden urges to capture my elusive immortality.
We are living an imprint of time.

We briskly walk several paces of unhemmed length ahead of our appropriate ground.
Only to be spot looking down. Fleetingly, we distract our spectators at the uncomfortable idea.

We are of an age: altered.
Cheekbones more prominent, small creases at the mouth and eyes

We evaluate these thoughts.

All I need to know is that I am something you will be missing.

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 10:12:58 GMT

Have you ever felt so tired that you just want to go to sleep, forever? And you honestly wouldn't mind if you never woke up again. It wouldn't be all that bad of a deal, you would just take it as the cards dealt to you in life.

My heart has never been so offbeat in my entirety. Literally, it ached. It felt like it was drooping, as if sorrow hung on it's edges. It hurt. My mind was racing in and out of memories that are so vividly clear, that I could smell his scent even in my mind. The common places that we resided almost seemed like a place of death of lost times as I entered them in the now. Happiness that is far in the past and has now turned into borderline hatred, loomed in these areas. It was almost as if a poison was filling my lungs when I took in deep breaths. It's preposterous to imagine that a human being has affect on another well being to such severe lengths. I let him storm my citadel over two years ago. He shattered my most personal walls that guarded the castle that enveloped my heart. Now, with the power of knowledge, familiarity, and spite, he has broken me. Absolutely broken me. If only a few weeks ago, I made the decision of regret. At the least, we could of been in bliss, if only for a little longer. We both knew the end was singeing the folds of our once beautiful relationship. In retrospect, I wish it would of lasted a little longer. Just to have something solid to grab onto when all other aspects of my life are falling apart. He would've picked me up if I fell down.

But alas, we are no longer.
The thoughts of a weary, indecisive mind.
One day, we will grow up.
As for now, we are so young.

The first time my heart has actually been broken is today. I now know what it feels like. And I'm sorry everyone. I'm sorry if you've ever felt like this. It makes me yearn for oblivion. It makes this world seem a lot smaller.

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 17:51:21 GMT

Dear...

When I was eight years old, I honestly thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life in your arms.
Every moment would be with you. You were mine, and even at that young, I built my character with you in my heart.
The only man who knew me with no agenda.
I hold on to every last memory that I have when I was perfect. You were perfect. We were perfect.
We. That is what it could have been if only life was dished out to us differently.

There is no we. There is a you and an I.
I wish that we could stay up all night with the stars above our heads, and I swear, I would confess every bit of faith I had in you.
Or at least I would try. I know that my palms would be sweaty, tears would be welling up in my eyes. All of the air in this world would vanish and I would not be able to breathe. Simply because, I know deep down inside, it would be another night wasted on you. But I could not ask for anything more than you just being with me. Even for that minute.

I want you to know what was done. But the blame is on no one.
The consequences are what it is now. And I'm dying on the inside.
My heart is shattered and it will never be replaced. I want to believe you feel the same way.
That I wander into your mind as much as you do into mine. I want to hear you say, without you in my life, there is a void that can not be filled by anyone else but you. I want to know that I'm a void in your heart. It's only fair. You're one in mine.
And I know, if I died right now, you'd want me to be in your arms. You'd have the same wish I did when I was a little girl, only eight years old. And once I was gone, you'd never feel the same.

With time, I made myself think that I could break down the door to your heart. Realization would hit, and you would know the place where I belonged. Maybe after today, you do know that. I can never be positive. Nine years later, I'm sure it's too late. And I'm sure I'm too lonely to let you back in. I had hope for so long that "forever" was on our side. You would guide me out of the dark when I was lost. That is a dream that I've had up until today. I will probably have it forever. I would give you my heart in exchange.

I saw you for the first time in two years today, October 24th, 2008, and I barely recognized who you were. That fucking broke my heart.
When we were saying goodbye, I felt this severe pain run through my body. It ached. I had to catch my breath. I was gone, lost in the moment of what was, but was to never be again. It didn't make sense. I had painstakingly stored away every memory and feeling I had of you over these years so it would never resurface to haunt me. But there it was. Staring me down with no where to go. For that split second, I felt like I was supposed to die. But I didn't. I don't know what happened.
You put your arms around me like you meant it. It's been nine years of pure torture, and you had enough nerve to tell me that you loved me. Your blue eyes showed the wear and tear of your soul. I will never forget your smile. I will never forget you.
I know you want me back. I want to be with you again, I do. I really do.

I can't forgive you though.
I'm so sorry.

Love forever, your little girl, your daughter,
Rachel Teiko Nance

A Day Before Christmas

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 10:42:48 GMT

It's not like I haven't felt this way before, been down the same paths he has. But in all honesty, let's bring out the cold, hard fucking truth, you need to change who you are. You are a pathetic human being; weak-minded. To an extreme. I'm sick of you taking me for granted constantly, I let people walk all fucking over me. Day after day I constantly make the same damn mistakes, not just with you Andrew, but with a lot of people. Everyone loves me for it too. Everyone loves me for loving them. But may this sound selfish, I'm sick of not getting anything in return. All he has to say is that I haven't helped him, and that I can't. Well then, control your fucking self, don't call me when you get drunk, don't come to me when you need someone, and stop begging for pity all the fucking time. And why this is so upsetting to me is because you bring out that flaw in me, the flaw that I can't just say 'enough is fucking enough'. I really feel like I do so much for the people I love, but once I've given them this example, they just expect it. The next time something happens, when they need something, someone, they automatically assume I'll be there holding their hand (or at least trying to) and I do. Everything FUCKING time, I do. Even the most simple things, I'll go to extremes to get. Put myself on the line, because I really fucking love the people I do. But I guess I am no sister, or girlfriend, or even daughter for that matter. I'm nothing worth anything, everyone just uses me and doesn't actually give me a chance. No one takes risks for me. No one will put themselves out there for me. I'm so done with it all. I'm so done being me, and the worse part is, I love who I am right now. It's just that, I don't love what I'm getting out of it.

Robert's been over my house for a few days now, I just got my tonsils out on Friday. I've been very emotional lately due to the disgusting medication I'm taking. Everything is off balance and out of control. But I'm glad I'm not crying, even though feeling angry is no better. I go downstairs just to check up on Andrew, and he says you should get your friend so he can drink with me. I KNOW that everyone needs someone at one point or another, and the fact that my brother is a very lonely sort of guy, I figured it'd be okay. Even though (Cold, hard fucking truth) my brother is a complete embarrassment to me. He's so damn dependent, so pessimistic in such an unattractive way. OVERLY FUCKING DRAMATIC. It makes me think that people are judging me, based off of my family. It hurts so much to have people see the truth. But I'm sick of fucking hiding it. It's not my fault, it's not my problem, even though I can't stop myself from always being there for him. I can't stop myself from feeling responsible. So Robert goes downstairs, I tag along too. And Robert is only trying to be a friend, to my brother and me, he's taking time out of his life to sit down and sort things out, things that are unknown to him, because he cares. And I listen to their conversation, holding my tongue from all those things I want to just blurt out, and that's when I realized. I realized that the whole fucking thing is just a gigantic circle of my brother being a narrow-minded, pathetic person. It's sad, and I've cried over it so many times. But I guess why I'm angry about it this time around is because, he even fucking sees that Robert, another person outside of this family, is putting effort into helping him, and all he wants is for Robert to go "Oh, I totally see how hard that is. I'm so, so sorry. Let's take a fucking shot together, because apparently since you're so pathetic, I will be too. Because I understand". I'm SICK of it. SO FUCKING SICK OF IT. I have been taken for granted by people for too long. And the ones that really take me for granted, are the ones that I care and do for the most. Mainly my brother. But I feel like Robert has too. Maybe that's because everyone around me has been drilling that into my head for so long, but it's starting to make sense in a really warped way. I feel like everything I'm typing is useless, nothings ever going to change, because I'm not starting it myself. And then Robert comes up here and sits next to me. This is why I put time into him, because I know, that he is one of the most warm hearted, caring people I will ever meet. Everything about him, makes me love him a little more. I can't stand it, I just wish something would work out for once. For me. I have gone down so many wrong paths in my life, but isn't it about time that I'm guided into something healthy for myself? In all seriousness, I need to calm down and start doing what's right for me. And I'm scared that I'm going to lose people that I really love if I'm willing to go that far. I need help, I need help from someone.

How can the only people that can help you stop crying, are the ones that made you start in the first place? It's scary to know that humans have such emotional power over one another.

GIVE YOURSELF AWAY.

Mon, 03 Dec 2007 07:49:15 GMT

I am speechless. Becoming immune to my surroundings, becoming colder to affection. I can feel it coming on. Soon, I will no longer be the small child that I am now. The child that contains hints of innocence, splashes of being naive. I will start to hold grudges, stand out in the crowd, but only in a negative way. I miss him more than you could ever know. I want to give up everything, simply so he has nothing to compare to. He constantly brings out the fact that I hang out with friends consistently. Without fail, I'm gone every weekend. Somewhere new each time. And he sits at the same home I reside in, but it's funny. He probably knows every nook and cranny in this cozy condominium. And I can barely remember the layout of my room. We come from the same family, but we lead such different lives.

Tonight, he called me, assuming I was out, and asked if I could find anyone for him to talk to. I was upstairs, so I told him I would come down there. A few minutes later, I walk into the basement, to face my own big brother with his head down on the desk, sobbing, desperately trying to dial a phone number that he has no idea what will bring him. He was crying. He was calling teen help lines. He couldn't reach anyone, because no matter how much they claim to help, no one is genuinely listening. I wanted to talk to him, but he wouldn't let me. He wouldn't let me in, and I know why. It's not impressive to have the only friend be your own sister. He's so alone. I stayed down there with him. Even though, in all honesty, that pain is too much to bear.

He was drinking heavily at the time, could barely form simple words. I called multiple hot lines, but no results. I felt like I was useless in a situation where that was exactly where I didn't want to be. I couldn't help him. I am useless in his life. I tried so hard to help, but I couldn't give him what he wanted. I failed him. I'm dying inside. And I have been for a very long time.

I have no strong male figure in my life. I suppose that's why I held onto my last crush for so long. I feel lost. I give off the confidence of a man who's never known defeat. But that man. That man isn't me. And I would give anything to be that man, because I know, if I was, I would be able to save him. I would save him from himself. I would. I can. And I will. Even if it kills me. I'm never going to give up.

Because love is fucking unconditional. And he has my heart.
I will give myself away. Give up my everything for him to spit in my face and tell me he's never loved me.
I am his baby sister, but I will fight and defend until I can't hold myself up anymore.
Because that's who I am. And I will NOT compromise myself. I will stay true. For him. For my mother. For my future significant other.

For myself. I am strong. And I will save him. Because that's what I was put on this earth to do.
To fight for those I love when they are weak. Even if, at the time, I am also.
I am exhausting myself.

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 08:30:56 GMT

"I say things that hurt ppl pretty bad when I get that way. and the things I say aren't even true. it's just I know what'll hurt the most"

That's to a tee. Good job on the wording.
I think you really know yourself.

Who knew?

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 08:25:03 GMT

I never imagined myself ever caring about what happened between us. I expected myself to move on without a second thought. I did it to prevent myself from getting hurt in the first place. And to tell you the truth, I really thought I was going to get away with it. I've went almost a year without thinking about it. But truth of it is, it was bound to happen sometime. And it did just today.

I want to tell him everything.
I want to get everything off my chest and let the truth free.
I'm sick of holding everything in.

Have you ever noticed that I talk so much and say so little? I want to tell him how much this has affected me as a person, the past year of my life, and my future. It doesn't seem like a big deal, but he played a big role. And I avoided taking it seriously until now. Honestly, I'm lost to the point where I have no idea what I'm going to do. I wouldn't know how to handle this type of situation considering I've never been in anything like it before. Why did I do that to myself again? It's like I almost miss him.

I can't care. There's no way I miss him.
What's there to miss?

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 05:43:18 GMT

Please God, give me an angel so I can feel beautiful. Send me the boy that I can love unconditionally forever. We can share all the secrets, and discuss all the issues. We can lay together and soak up the warmth. I can cry, and he'll hold me. He can fall, and I'll catch him. Both of us will be comfortable with each other completely. We will never feel alone.

I won't be the girl that likes you, but you don't care. I won't be that girl that you're infatuated with. I won't be the girl that you think is just pretty. I won't be the girl that you know can change who you are. I won't be the girl that will be used. I won't be the girl that is weak. I will not be the girl that you don't care about.

I will be the only one for this boy. I will change his life. I will be the love he's always wanted.
And he will be mine.

Why not me? Why not now?

And I.

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 06:18:10 GMT

                                                                      "Happy Sweetest Day
                                                                            I love you now
                                                                              and always
                                                                                    Jim"

And I can only ask myself, what happened to the always Dad?
She made your life complete.
You'd think, that when you called her from your hotel room you were staying at,
you'd hear Andrew and I in the background laughing. And then we'd get on the phone,

"When're coming home Daddy? I really miss you."
"Don't worry Brae, I'm coming home real soon. I miss you too. And I love you."

We were so young.

I called you today because, I just wanted to hear you say,
"I love you too. I'm coming home soon" one more time.
But the funny thing is, you didn't say I'm coming home.
I should know who I am by now.
But I don't have to make this mistake.
And I don't have to stay this way.
If only I'd wake.
Wake from this dream of thinking that someone will be there.
There for me to love.
I tried so hard to love you, but I wasn't enough.
I never am. I want to be saved. Until then, I will keep convincing people I'm okay.

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 05:05:18 GMT

I have never felt like this. So completely lost to the point of where I just don't want to be here. Here in general. Thinking, having coherent thoughts about my life. Robert and Jamie just left, and I'm just sobbing. Breaking down, looking upon the life I'm leading. I can't explain, I'm never speechless. I always have something to say, something comforting for someone. Except, I never have any words of wisdom for myself. It's a waste. You live, you die. And everything inbetween is simply a challenge. But how come, for once, I feel like I'm loosing the battle? I am a girl, a little girl, lost in who I am. And I've never gotten to this point. I have always been strong, letting optimism guide me. Now, I feel tainted. No one considers my feelings, how hard it is for me at times. It's my own fault. I hide it with this beautiful fake smile. It tricks me too. So how can I blame anyone else? I'm going to because it's all I have left. I try so hard to love everyone that I know. Why do you think I'm always putting myself in situations that I know I truely can't handle? Because I want to be the hero for someone. I want to change a life. But I never want to change my own. I'm always the girl that you can go to when you need someone, that you feel comfortable telling you their weakness's. But for the love of God, why can't I open myself to someone? I have never told anyone my secrets, how I really feel. I skim the surface on who I am. And everyone buys it. Frank told me I was heaven sent for someone out there in the world. Heaven sent. Who does he think he is saying that? He has no idea of what I'm about, who I am. I am an emotional wreck right now, I'm just crying. I threw up from feeling this.I have never gotten physically sick from emotional weakness. I need someone right now.

Goddamn it, please someone tell me where did I go wrong?

This is a rant.

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 00:45:33 GMT

1.) Lately, a lot of the boys in my life that I consider good friends have been treating me like their girlfriend. And let me tell you, I'm really not okay with this. I'm single for a reason, I like the feeling of freedom. I have not found that "special" boy in my life yet, and I'm waiting for him. Yeah, I fucked up in the past, and that's what I have to deal with. But you know what? I honestly thought I found one boy that was perfect, that would clash with my personality in a way that was enticing, and would coincide in a way that was harmonous. And I couldn't of been more wrong in my entire life. I waited a long while until I let myself open up, I found what I thought was someone intelligent and beautiful, with a personality that was irreplacable. So I chased him, wanting him to make me his. But it never happened. I did the same thing with my ex. I love playing the game. It keeps me occupied, makes me feel wanted. And hey. I'm only human. I'm a girl with a low self-esteem that's confident enough to admit to that. Oxymoron at it's best. But I'm proud. So now, I'm stuck sitting here, wondering, am I attracted to the person, or the game? Whatever it is, I have a feeling I'm not going to find out for a while. I've built up a wall to protect myself from getting hurt, so I'm most likely going to avoid the most disasterous relationship I could get in, and miss out on the only boy I've been looking for.
And for a side note, I think for the present. So I'm not worried. For right now, I want to feel free. I'm still a baby. No strings attached.

2.) I am extremely family orientented. Especially with my mother and brother. My father has lost my respect, but he still has my love. I am stubborn, so everything he's put me through in the past still scars my mind, but somehow I try to put it aside. The only people I can really say I love is them.

-My brother, Andrew. He has been my idol, even though I am his protector. I will constantly look out for him until the day I die, under any circumstances. For the past couple of years, he's had his problems with drinking. I've convinced myself that it was real, but never to the concern that it deserves. He went to the doctors the other day, and they said if he continues the way he does, he won't live a day past 35 years old. It hit me like a brick in the face. I can't deal with that, I can't imagine what it would be like to lose him to such a depressant. It makes me think I haven't done enough, I haven't talked to him enough, tried to help him through with love or tough love, doesn't matter. I haven't done my part, and it tears me up inside. On the other hand though, I can't fix what isn't a part of me. I have no power over his decisions or emotions, but I find myself blaming everything on me. The weight of it is on my shoulders, simply because I can't stand the thought of him not making fun of me everyday. Not being able to make all the goofy faces he does, having him embarass me in front of all the friends that I have. Just knowing that somewhere on this earth, he's on a constant quest to find happiness. Maybe I'm ridiculous, but I can't stop crying over it. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop loving him enough to try to stop it.

-My father, James. If only I could write down everything that's happened between us. The relationships and emotions that I've felt. This may sound weird to quite a few of you, but I was taught to love this man, and he is the only boy I ever fell in love with. He was my hero. When I was little, I would wait by the door every night to see him come home from work and kiss mommy and pick me up. Just to hug him. No one could have any idea what I felt when he told me he loved me. He was my superman. Then he changed. Picked another woman over his wife and daughter. Even his own son. And yes, I know he was looking for his own peace of mind, his own happiness, but I just wanted him to understand he was sacrificing ours. No matter how selfish that sounds, it hurt like hell. And I wanted him to know, since he could never feel the way I did. Back to what's bothering me currently, I haven't seen the man for a year. Things happened with his new wife and kids and we were just left overs of a past life, a past beauty that he soon forgot. I fought it for the longest time, attempting with all the strength in my 11 year old body just to show him what he was leaving, but his head was surrounded by beautiful bliss, and who can blame the man? I hear mid-life crisis is a bitch. I try to put myself in his shoes. But I still think I'm winning this battle of right and wrong. He stopped by the other day out of the clear blue. I was sleeping. He talked to my mom. And I never heard from him after that. It just hurts to know someone that was so important in your life, doesn't and probably hasn't ever felt that way about you.

-My mother, Katherine. We have grown so close through and after the divorce. We've went through so many hardships together, toughed out the worst of the worst. But it was okay. Because we were together. We were the support system for each other. And nothing in the world could replace that for me. She is my mother, my bestfriend, my confident. She understands me, listens to me, talks to me. Treats me as an equal instead of an inferior. And I take her for granted constantly, and I'm trying to change, I really am. I want her to know how much I love her, just how much I would give, get, do for her. My thoughts are so scrambled when I talk about her because they're completely overwhelming. I just want her to be happy. I would give her the world if only I could see her smile. Cheesy as it may sound, God do I mean it. When I see her going to work, two jobs and now college. It kills me. She deserves so much fucking better, it makes me hate the world. Yeah, I know. She hasn't made the greatest decisions in her life. Not going to college, getting married too young. But you know what? She shouldn't have to pay the consequences for this long. I will dedicate my life on making hers better. I'm only one person, but damn it. I'm one strong little girl with a lot of direction and motivation about the people I care about.

3.) I'm a fucking doormat. I let people walk all over me all the time. I would do anything for pretty much anyone. I feel like I should be helping the world instead of myself. I would put some specific examples, but I don't want any of them getting out. Wanna know why? I'm too scared of hurting peoples fucking feelings. See? Look at that. I can't get over it. I try so hard to change it because it's really getting to me lately. But just to see someone happy, it's the fuel I need to get me through the next situation I do it in. It's like a vicious cycle, and it's killing me. Oh well, why complain when I'm the only one that can change that. I just like being the girl that everyone gets along with, no one has a problem with. No one likes, but no one doesnt' like either. I pick and choose my battles. And this one, I tend to avoid constantly.

4.) Let's talk about my self-esteem. Hah. Let's be honest with each other. I'm not pretty. I'm not ugly. I'm there and no one seems to notice. And that's what bothers me the most. I love attention, my god. I'm a fucking girl. And anyone who read that and said I was being ridiculous. Don't give me that bullshit. You've felt like that too. I'm not saying I'm excessively like that, but lately it's been shoved in my face more so in the past. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and at times there's nothing more I want that just having some boy tell me I'm beautiful. Sorry if I sound needy, it happens. Just a phase I'm sure. But everytime I look in the mirror, I think to myself. 'You're not good enough for anyone. Don't fool yourself into thinking that. You'll just get hurt. And you remember what that feels like.' Why is my self-esteem low? I don't want to list the reasons because I delude myself into thinking that maybe if I don't state them, people won't know about them. I'm trying to fool the world, and it isn't happening. And fucking damnit, I sure wish it worked. Plus, the boy situation isn't coming along to great. Considering I don't like anyone enough to be with them. And who's problem is that? Mine or yours? Hah. Mine.

5.) I am not what you think I am. I am a chore of a girl, over analyzing situations constantly, an emotional train wreck that's went off the track. I may come off potently strong, but it's all a fucking lie. I put on a front, because if I can kid the world, I can kid myself. And I'm not worried about the world knowing who I am. I'm worried about finding myself.
I honestly believe that's every human's life quest, why they live day to day. Trying to find out who they are, and the reason you live until you die is because you constantly change. Every day. I like to believe that when people die, it's because they've found out who they are. No matter what age or how they die. They are finally content with themselves. They've solved the mystery and they are now on the journey to whatever may be after.

It's a comforting thought for me.
Because I need to find who I am.
Before it's too late.

                         "We're glad for what we've got.
                             Done with what we've lost.
                               Our whole lives laid out,
                                   right in front of us."

Past love, eat your heart out.

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 05:49:54 GMT

"I'll take you for who you are, if you take me for everything."

Not a day goes by when I don't think about you.
And I don't mind. It hurts to know that you will never love me.
Not like you used to. It's always the same.

That's okay. As long as you're you.

Let's do this all over again.

Naw. I'm too strong for that now.
And if I know you, and you've felt like this.
I'm telling you now.
You're stronger too.

Hope. :)

I'm lame!

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 16:19:45 GMT

Alright, I have to be quiet considering I'm on a mission not to get caught by Kelley's parents. I'm skipping school with some of mah otha nigga's at Kelley's house, but she decided to go to school? Yeah. Don't worry about it. Anyway, I'm so fucking scared her parents are going to walk in and I have NO idea what I would say to them. So I'll probably ditch after this entry with Adam.

On a more serious note. I need to give myself a break from this life. I'm deluding myself into thinking things that I thought were gone. Feelings that no longer existed in this body, emotions that floated out of my cute little head a long time ago. It's funny how a little situation can trigger off everything you've ever fought for. Don't think I don't plan on fighting back though. The last thing I need is to feel this too. I need to get organized and gather my life together before I have something else to set me back. I wish I could talk about this to someone, but it's just one of those things that you don't say outloud. Speak no evil, am I right? :) Heh. I'll live.

When I'm not feeling all that great, it's really nice to think that someone out there is thinking about me right now.
Someone's always thinking of you.
You're never as lonely as it seems.

Good morning starshine. The sun says "hello"!

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 06:50:31 GMT

Yes, I'm starting a livejournal. No, this wasn't my idea. I'm shifting the blame on those two bitches Jamie and Zoe. ; )

Anyway, I'm probably going to begin whining about yesterday night before today. And all I have to say about yesterday is that, I honestly need to stop being so "nice". I feel like I have a problem standing up for myself sometimes, especially when it comes to situations with boys. I know what it feels like to get rejected (Trust me) and rejection for me always ends up in me laying on my bed listening to some sad bastard music wondering how I could change myself. And that's never fun. So I don't like doing it to other people. End result? Me allowing myself to get stepped on. And let me tell you, fuck that noise. I'm not going to go into detail about what happened last night because I don't want to state any names. Yeah, I'm paranoid. There I go caring about people that don't care about me. -__- Goddamn!

And today? Oh man. I guess I'm just being kind of a bitch. I've been so irritated with everyone. Well, mostly everyone. I just feel like we're in some big ass highschool hissy fit fest and our crew is going to steal the fucking gold. We'll all be wearing those sweet USA windbreakers and break through a huge piece of paper held up by really hot cheerleaders with huge racks. You know. The works. ;D Anyway! Jesus. I'm so terrible at staying on subject. Sorry in advance for that happening in the future. But back to the point. Everyone is upset with someone. It's a long chain of discomfort, and it's making the atmosphere pretty intense. Nothing I can't deal with though. I'm really glad I have people like Jamie and Robert to talk to. (<3 love you guys) You keep me sane. And that's saying A LOT.

P.S. I just re-read this. I said "I just feel like we're in some big ass highschool..." I am in highschool still. That depressed me. Hahah oh God. This day just keeps getting better. ; )